A new and highly transmissible covid variant has been discovered in stupid people. SAGE (Stupid Arseholes & Godforsaken Eejits), has informed the government that the variant spreads like wildfire and vaccines offer no protection against it.
It has been dubbed the Double-Stampsies Anti-Quitsies No-Erasies Mutant Variant. When pressed as to why the variant is so deadly, UK health Secretary Matt Hancock replied; “You can’t stamp a double-stamp.”
A bemused journalist asked; “What the hell does that mean?”
Hancock promptly put his fingers in his ears and cried “La la la la la la la la la!”
When he calmed down, Hancock told the assembled press that the country would need to return to lockdown immediately, at which point the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg cried “Quitsies!”
Hancock was way ahead of her and jumped in with; “Startsies, anti-quitsies, no-erasies! Ladies and gentlemen, this press conference is over!”
Prime Minister Boris Johnson was unavailable for comment this morning. He’s in Aspen on a skiing trip.
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